I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
