Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
