why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
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