I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
