Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
