we have pet lesbian snakes
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
