My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize