dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
