I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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