I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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