we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
