I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
How does it feel to date your dad?
I would ride that face into the sunset
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
