lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
