Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
