im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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