I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
