the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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