I need to stop coming to work sober
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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