the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
