that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I don't deserve a penis
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
