My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
