she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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