Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
