if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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