If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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