Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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