My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
