if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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