did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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