I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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