Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
