Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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