The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You are the jesus of drinking
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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