Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
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