I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize