The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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