A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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