it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
