I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
