i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
