between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
