I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize