direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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