You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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