Your face is a jimmy john
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
