Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
