You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
