Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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