Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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