Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
