My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
