Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
