I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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