Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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