Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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