im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
