I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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