they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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