I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
