I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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