Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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