How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
