her vagina looked like bernie madoff
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
