I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
