call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize