Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
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