considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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