I met the friendliest cop last night
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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